Sunday, December 9, 2007

Comments on "my list"

I am surprised at how much thought I had to put in to make that list. I thought the things would just flow from my tongue. How could you not immediately think of 10 things about your kids that make you happy? My lesson here is that I need to start enjoying my time with them more, and thinking about the positive things in life, instead of being constantly frustrated, angry and wishing things were different, better, etc. My life really is fulfilling, if only I would allow myself to be happy about what "is" and not what "could be".
Things have been really tough over the last several years, and I feel like my illnesses have somewhat created a wedge between me and my children and me and Allen as well. I feel as if I missed so much of their young, formative years being in the hospital so much, having to lie down all of the time instead of going to the park or playing games. There's almost a disconnect and I feel very sad and guilty about that. It's also put a strain on my marriage, we've both gone through of our share of crap these last few years, and always have come out stronger for it, but I still fear that one of these days Allen is going to tire of dealing with my endless string of problems. When we met I wasn't "damaged goods", and now I feel as if I am a fractured shell of the person he met. Maybe it's more of me being tired of dealing with my problems and if I'm tired of it, how tired of it is he, having to sit on the sidelines and watch my health deteriorate?

I guess I woke up on the "pity" side of the bed this morning...

1 comment:

tracy said...

my thoughts on your comments:

you are NOT damaged goods. I suppose we're all damaged goods to some degree, but that's what makes us unique & special to those who love us for who we are. baggage & all.

It's hard for me to read this from you ~ you who are always there to keep my head above water. I know you can't help how you feel, and I'd probably feel exactly the same way if I were in your place, but please take a moment & think back on all the inspiring things you've written to me. I promise it will help :) It's a constant struggle to not think about the what-ifs and how things "should" be, but you are the best at telling me to NOT do that, and I want you to remember that right now.

hugs ~